Dark Horse

They say ignorance is bliss, but sometimes I’m not so sure. With certain things it’s true – for instance, not knowing the intimate details of your parents’ lives, or what exactly goes on in a McDonalds’ kitchen is probably for the best. But on most matters I prefer to be in the know, and am frustrated when I can’t be.

What winds me up greatly is knowing that something important has happened, but little about the specifics. This used to happen all the time in prep school, when people would go around whispering in your ear, ‘I’ve got a secret…but I’m not allowed to tell!’ Yet rather than this being a thing of the past, the phenomenon that is Facebook means that I still have to suffer this info-teasing every day.

Today, for instance, there popped up on my newsfeed the status of a friend which read, ‘All things considered, I absolutely nailed that!’

It may have been trivial, but having no idea of what this person may have ‘nailed’ I found my blood boiling in irritation. Was he deliberately taunting all his friends? Or too lazy to type out the background of the story? Or so vain as to think we all followed his life to such a close degree that extra details were rendered superfluous?

Maybe it’s the attention-seeking nature of posts like these which bugs me more than the information they deny me. They have a façade of being cryptic, but any hidden information is easily revealed by a simple comment below asking for details. In many ways they work like clickbait articles, drawing you in, tempting you to take a bite, if only you demean yourself somewhat and give the other party an unmerited ego boost.

Runty, for all his faults does tend to refrain from this genre of Facebook posturing. However, whether this can be put down to a sensitivity on his part towards other people’s feelings is very much open to question. My own theory is that his one-dimensional brain simply can’t see any value in it.

For example, several times last summer Runty posted messages on the subject of his holiday boozing antics. These beautifully crafted specimens of prose included, ‘8 pints last night - smashed it!’ and ‘Feeling rough this morning. Guess that’s what comes from doing a bottle of vodka! Lad!’

Now, it goes without saying that these were neither subtle nor witty. Clearly, the thought running through his mind at the point of their conception was ‘I need to tell everyone I drank a lot last night’, and short of saying ‘I drank a lot last night!’ he made sure his message avoided all misinterpretation.

For instance, sarcasm was never a possibility. Some people just might not get a post such as, ‘Feeling groggy now after those shandies last night!’ Nor would self-deprecating humour work, for example with ‘Think I proved last night why I’m such a lightweight!’ And of course, any cryptic-crypto rubbish would just fail to tell everyone about the fact that he drank such a lot last night, eight pints I tell thee!!!

It’s not just oblique Facebook posts that I hate being in the dark about. I also have a great dislike for not knowing other people’s thoughts. This is naturally a fact of life, but when you are even unable to ask a person their opinion on a matter it becomes doubly irksome.

The result is that you are led towards wild conjecture, which is what I am doing right now. This is because over the past week I have smelt something of a rat in the house. Not an ordinary, normal-sized rat, but a big, fat, stinking one with a nasty tail. In short, I fear there is a new contender for the house captaincy next year!

Frequent readers of this blog may remember how I have detailed at various point the strategies I have used in my bid to acquire the house captaincy next year. These have included flattery of my house master and undermining other members of the house. But until recently I had only really anticipated two contenders for next year’s prize: me and Runty. But, unless I am very much mistaken there now appears to be a new claimant to the crown. A veritable dark horse.

Dark Horse, which is how I will call him, is certainly not house captain material. When we arrived in F block everyone thought he was a bit weird. He had this squeaky voice which grew annoying after 10 seconds, and despite having no real talent in either sport or work appeared very full of himself.

Whilst it’s true he may have mellowed over the years, he still carries the reputation of being a little nerd. His approach as a result has been to ingratiate himself with the younger blocks, hanging out with them and posing as the sage older boy, able to pull some strings for you if you just suck up enough.

It’s all very shallow, but the gullible younger boys seem to fall for it. As does my house master in fact, who regards it as some kind of outreach to the lower blocks, something we should all partake in. However, this was not what raised my suspicions about Dark Horse; instead it was an event that took place this past Sunday.

I had just come back from chapel, and was walking through the house, when I was stopped by a strange sight from the window. There, down below, I could make out the outline of two parents in my house master’s study. They were shaking hands with him and being offered tea. I thought it might be the parents of a prospective boy, but when I looked closely I could see it was Dark Horse’s parents.

I immediately froze. Why on earth were they there? What could be so important as to warrant a meeting with the house master? It’s not that parents meeting with the house master is unusual, but it normally happens when the son is having problems with work or behaviour. Dark Horse, despite not being clever, was not that thick either, and was also so lame he wouldn’t know how to create trouble with a bazooka in his hand.

My mind began to whir backwards. Did this have something to do with the fact that Dark Horse had been sitting next to my house master at lunch, copying the trick I had been using? Did it have something too to do with him volunteering himself for all the dud admin roles recently, the ones that everyone hates doing? If so, then there was only one conclusion to draw from all this: Dark Horse had an ulterior motive. One which probably had ‘house captain’ written on it.

I’m not sure exactly what Dark Horse’s parents were doing with my house master. Buttering him up perhaps. Offering a quid pro quo arrangement. Even putting forward a straightforward bribe. But whichever it is, they are lobbying on his behalf.

Unfortunately for Dark Horse’s parents, their level of control on the situation is negligible. They may be able to influence the outcome of it, but they cannot manipulate it. Unlike myself, who has the power to ruin Dark Horse’s bid before it gets started.

Put it this way; I’m not going down without a fight. Up to this point I’ve been complacent. But now things are really kicking off. Playing dirty is my game. When things get ugly, I’ll be the last one standing. Dark Horse will soon be Dead Horse!