Vale Tony

If you didn’t already know, Tony Little, the headmaster of Eton for the past twelve years, is retiring. It is not a sudden departure -  for over a year we have known that he will replaced by a former beak at the school, Simon Henderson.

Unfortunately, this very advance resignation has turned the past year into one long, sugary farewell. Tony’s last time doing this we've been told, Tony's last time doing that. How far do you go? His last poo in College? His last scratch of his nose?

I don't mean to sound uncharitable, but it can become a bit much sometimes. Unsurprisingly, the 'Vale' written for him in the Chronicle was unfailingly positive. A Vale is a tribute dedicated to each departing beak and is printed in the school magazine in the half that they leave. They never, ever say anything remotely critical about their subject, even though the number of good things to say about some beaks is very limited.

This has essentially been my problem with Tony’s goodbye. He's been a great headmaster, no doubt, but the half saint half superhero image that has been cultivated the past year is clearly inaccurate.  Why can't we hear about all his awkward moments? The times he cocked up? The enemies he made in the school?

To rectify this omission I have researched Tony's life and written my own Vale for him, which I print below:

(DISCLOSURE: everything below is strictly NOT TRUE.)

Tony Roger Mohammed Little was born on 1^st April 1959 in Milton Keynes, England. His parents abandoned him as an infant, leaving him under the protection of a pack of feral badgers. Tony lived with the badgers in their burrows, and they taught him how to hunt and fish. Unfortunately they spoke only Spanish which meant Tony started primary school as 'Antonio', unable to converse with the other children.

Nevertheless, little Antonio soon excelled and at the age of 13 won a scholarship to Eton College, Berkshire. It was there that he established the infamous Sexy Dancing Society. At first illicit and strictly underground, the society grew until it had enough members to gain the approval of the Provost. It went from strength to strength, until one day a member ruptured his sphincter, leading to a costly lawsuit and its closure.  

After five years at Eton Tony moved to Cambridge, where he studied English. His wrote his dissertation on the subject of: ‘Thomas Hardy – tyrant or transsexual?’, a title in keeping with the spirit of the age and one that gained him a First. It was at Cambridge too where Tony made the decision to become a teacher, a life-decision influenced by his upbringing with the badgers.

Tony started his career at Tonbridge, before moving on to Brentwood, Chigwell and Oakham. These were all very minor and crappy public schools, and so entirely forgettable that to this day Tony remembers nothing about them.

It was in 2001 that Tony was headhunted by his alma mater and persuaded to return as head master. He was reluctant at first, unsure about whether he wanted to move to Japan, but after being told that Eton was in England (and that his contract included a lifetime’s supply of Quavers) he accepted.

Moving back to the school where he had studied was a strange experience for Tony. ‘How will the boys accept me?’ he asked himself. Before his first speech to B block he popped a pill an old man had once given him. Within five minutes he was flying round the school with some pigeons, diving in and out of Judy’s Passage to bite F blockers on the chin. He then flew up into the heavens and met the pigeon king seated on his throne.

‘How do I become a good headmaster of Eton?’ Tony asked.

‘I don’t know much about teaching,’ the pigeon king replied, ‘but just go and be a sassy, badass player!’

After returning to earth Tony followed this advice and had 'sassy badass player' engraved on his wall. It became his philosophy for the rest of his headship.

As the headmaster, Tony’s achievements were innumerable. His most popular successes included shortening chapel services by 50 percent, buying a tank for the CCF and ordering Bekynton to serve jelly six times a week.

The secret to his success lay in Tony’s ability to see things differently from others; to think outside the box. On one occasion a cheeky E blocker asked him whether he grew his moustache because he loved Hitler.

‘No’ Tony replied, ‘I grow it because I hate him!’

Nevertheless, at some point all good things come to an end, and by the end of his tenure Tony felt the school were taking advantage of him. He resented the way he was auctioned off at Old Boys charity events to do certain activities. He didn’t mind ‘go shopping with Tony’ or ‘get pissed with Tony’, but when it came to ‘receive a foot massage from Tony’ and ‘have a baby with Tony’ he felt he had to resign.

The final straw came in chambers one day when a beak’s mobile phone went off. The ringtone was Chris Brown's 'Beautiful People', and to amuse the staff Tony began to break-dance. The intended comic effect was limited, however, and Tony retired with a sore neck after a head-stand went wrong. Injured and humiliated, Tony told all present to go stick it and formally tendered his resignation that afternoon.

In all seriousness though, the very best of luck to Mr Little. He was a great man and will live on in the history of the school.