New Year Resolutions

I don’t know if there’s a way of measuring if one's had a good Christmas or not, but if you’re going on the size of your solid in the toilet the next morning then I had a very merry one indeed!

Despite being considerably lighter now than I was at 8am, I must have still gained a stone or two over the past week. Gluttony has been my deadliest of sins and yesterday was my descent into hell. After a big fry up and champagne for breakfast, a steady stream of mince pies, chocolate coins and stocking treats were put away until 3 o’clock, when the roast turkey was brought forth in all its glory.

A big chunk of this, along with all the trimmings and Christmas pud was wolfed down, and topped off afterwards with fancy chocolates, savoury nuts and mulled wine until about 10. At which point I began to feel a little queasy and decided, like a veteran gladiator, to quit while I was ahead and retire to bed.

The only problem with Christmas, aside from the sick tummy, is the leftovers of the next day - stacks of dirty plates, streams of discarded wrapping paper and a crushing sense of emptiness. In other words, rubbish and post-Christmas blues. Only another 364 days till the next one I guess.

However, before one becomes too despondent there’s always New Year’s Eve to cheer things up. Although I'm not normally a fan of this end of year blow out (being generally averse to all organised fun) my plans this year are shaping up quite nicely. I’ve been lucky enough to be invited by the Princess to a house party at her friend’s place, and to make things sweeter a quick glance at the Facebook guest list reveals the cretin that is Jedward is unlikely to attend. Fantastic!

Having said that, I’m keen not to get ahead of myself and expect the Princess to simply fall into my arms. My track record of NYE is not a glorious one – last year, for example, I saw in 2014 with my head in a sick bucket, a victim of beer and gin. When I was younger I routinely fell asleep before the big moment. As a result I'm determined not to muck up this time, especially when my chances with the Princess are at stake. There’s nothing more tragic than being the one who gets drunk too early.

As with Christmas, the downside to New Year’s is the morning after. In this case however, there really is nothing to look forward to. Nothing but the cold months of January and February stretching interminably into the distance. No wonder there’s a sharp jump in divorce and suicide rates at this time of year.

This is where New Year resolutions come in. By looking at the first of Jan as an opportunity for renewal, a chance to discard bad habits and take up good ones, then desperation can turn into inspiration.

But before I sound too much like a life coach, I readily admit that my own history of New Year resolutions reads like a guide on how not to do them. There are several reasons for this, among them a lack of willpower, overambitious targets and being hungover and irrational when making them. Last year was a case in point, when in the depths of my headache and sick bucket shame, I pledged to give up alcohol till I was 18, take up long distance running and also learn Chinese. Respectively, these resolutions lasted about one month, two and a half miles and five or so symbols before the last bit of hope in me died.

Indeed, approaching New Year resolutions in such a faulty manner can do more harm than good, leaving you with nothing but a strong sense of guilt. Having realised this now, I have resolved to maximise my chances of success this year by coming up with a draft of proposals. From these I shall pick three sensible and necessary ones, but only in a rational, sober state of mind. Below are some examples:

Limit my Tudor Stores visits to once a week
Call my friends out on their clichéd opinions on football
Become house captain (not entirely within my power)
Stop Runty becoming house captain (entirely within my power)
Sample restaurants in Windsor other than McDonalds
Do some writing for one of the school magazines
Improve the 20:1 male-female ratio of contacts in my phone
Apply to run one of the societies next year
Stop being such a massive legend – harharhar!
Pick a niche musical genre and use it to impress those around me
Get with more girls and/or get a girlfriend (preferably the Princess)
Become a computer whizz and hack the school system à la North Korea
Buff up in the school gym

Looking back at these I'm struck by how deficient my life is. There needs to be some change, quickly. If you don't recognise me next year then you'll know. Let 2015 be the year of my reinvention!