Procrastination

Normally, I'm not a procrastinator. Lately however, I’ve been guilty of it. Although there are several reasons for this, most of the blame lies with one person - the Princess. Since our failed catch-up at Long Leave I’ve been messaging her as usual, playing it cool and trying to impress her. But on her Facebook page I’ve noticed a worrying development over the past couple of weeks, a very worrying development indeed.

It has nothing to do with her statuses (which are often quite cringey) but with the fact that she’s been tagged in a large number of photos with the same guy.

Understandably, this has greatly perturbed me. But what's worse is that this boy, who seems to be my age, looks to be one of the most unpleasant-looking human beings you could meet. When I say 'unpleasant' I don't ugly, but rather that he looks like a contender for bellend of the year. He oozes obnoxiousness in every picture I've seen of him, so much so that I feel sick just thinking about him.

Of course, all this is my impression from some photos, but as they say a picture paints a thousand words and in this case it paints two thousand. To give an idea of what he looks like, imagine an oval face with sunken eyes and thick eyebrows. On top of that put one of those stupid short back and sides haircuts, the type favoured by footballers, and on his body put clothes you'd likely see on a catwalk i.e. that are ridiculous in real-life.

Now imagine this person pulling the same annoying pout in every photo – a slight smirk with one eyebrow raised, so infuriating it makes you want to stab him. Arrange this pose in one three settings: him with girls, him posing with alcohol and him next to something impressive, and you have the extent of his profile pictures.

Hopefully now you'll understand my angst. Indeed, he seems to be such a prat that reminds me of the Jedward twins - both aesthetically offensive and shameless in behaviour. The only difference is that while Jedward possess a modicum of talent, this guy clearly has none.

In spite of all this, the Princess is either oblivious or has been blinded by some unknown force. Although as yet there’s no evidence to suggest that the two of them are more than friends (no pictures of them smooching, no awkward messages of  love etc) I can't hep feeling like a green-eyed monster.

The cause of this, besides the frequency of their appearances together, is their body language in the photos that I've examined. More often than not, his arms are draped around her, occasionally in proximity to intimate areas, but rather than resist this she seems to enjoy it, reciprocating his physical affection and beaming widely at the camera. In a couple of images she's teamed up with another girl to kiss him on both cheeks, while he stands there grinning and doing a thumbs up. It's sickening for me, not only because he's such a clown but because I wish I were in his place.

The two of them have also exchanged messages on her Facebook wall, mostly underneath videos he's posted and she has 'liked'. The conversation is generally banal, but can also be irritatingly flirty and to do with in-jokes of theirs. Whenever people have such public exchanges on Facebook it gets on my nerves, as I think they might as well be shouting 'Hey everyone, look at us- we're really funny and happy and are confident in talking to the opposite sex, unlike you! Hope you're well! xxx'. Honestly, I think the government should pass some kind of law against this type of behaviour, so lacking it modesty as it tends to be.

As you can see, this whole saga has left me rather paranoid and has plagued my mind with doubts over what I should do next. After careful consideration however, I've come up with three options:

- Ask the Princess straight up what’s happening between her and Jedward

- Forget entirely about her and turn my attention to other girls

- Carry on as normal and see how things develop.

The problem with this is that none of them are that appealing. The first one screams ‘stalker’ and would destroy the cool image I've been cultivating.

The second is easier said than done and not entirely rational - not only do I have no concrete evidence of anything going on between them, but I also do not happen to be Hugh Hefner with a harem of girls to call on. In fact, the Princess is one of only five females in my phonebook, and that's not excluding relatives.

All of which leaves number three as the only viable option – to carry on as normal and see what happens next. But ‘normal’ in my case means checking Facebook every five minutes for new developments, wasting valuable time which, given the middle of trials, should be spent revising.

Thankfully, the exams I've sat over the past three days have gone quite well and fingers crossed that trend will continue. At least I can be content with being cleverer than Jedward. From what I've seen so far his grammar is atrocious, frequently mistaking 'your' for 'you're', and he's dropped in some clangers such as 'laff' and 'defenately'.

Maybe my best chance therefore is to get him alone with the Princess and show her how ignorant he is. And if that fails, well, there are always rumours to be spread. After all, being a Taylor Swift fan and dressing up in knickers isn't too unbelievable, is it?